A Fire at Dawn

Early Afternoon, 10th of May, Year 38

So we had "the talk." Minna prompted it, really, with what she said to me last week. I kind of did, too. Perhaps it's easier to just explain from the start.

The conversation started after I had fallen asleep in Luthor's library with a book in my lap. I've been exhausted and was fighting to keep my eyes open while studying and just lost the battle. (I'm thankfully finally starting to feel less tired.) I woke back up when he put a blanket over me, and I felt embarrassed for having fallen asleep there. He kind of looked at me funny and offered to prepare a room for me if I wanted to stay the night.

The offer struck me as curious. Last time I had stayed it has been in his arms, in his bed. It had been the best night of rest I had had in a while. So, naturally, the offer confused me, a mixed signal, and when I asked about it he said he didn't want to impose anything on me. When I told him he wasn't imposing he said he didn't want to "pressure me into being more than I want to be."

Impose... Pressure me... I was certain he hadn't done either of those things. Why was he worried? Had I sent any mixed signals, too? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I haven't. Perhaps he was just as confused about what this thing between us is as I am. So I told him that Minna told me I should figure out what we are, and he agreed. But when I asked him what he wanted us to be...

He couldn't answer, not about us. He just said he wanted me to be happy, and to be safe. Which is sweet, of course, but there was obvious hesitation hidden in the statement. He didn't presume that he made me feel either of those things, so I had to tell him: "Being with you makes me happy."

There was a look of surprise on his face, disbelief. How he could have not noticed that I enjoy spending time with him is beyond me, maybe I was sending mixed signals too and didn't even realize it. So I reiterated. I told him I wouldn't have even let him kiss me if I hadn't felt that way. (And you remember, Journal, he asked me. It wasn't like he just kissed me out of the blue and I just didn't push him away.) I reminded him that I'm not any of the other women (or men, I should add) he has been with in the past. And I said that if he wanted me to be happy, he'd have to stick around.

There was a bit of back-and-forth; him telling me he doesn't understand why I want to be with him despite all he's told me and I reassuring him. Yes, it's true I can't even explain why I'm taking this risk—and it is a risk, I know it is. I mean, I'm not naive. I know of his torrid past and while I make a point not to pass judgement on him based on that I do know that it still haunts him. It's easy to say it doesn't matter, that it's all behind us and said and done and we should move past it, but knowing that doesn't make it easy to actually do. I understand that. Light knows, I've been there. Obviously not in the same situation, but you know what I mean.

So, yes, despite all the warning signs and him even flat out telling me that it's a bad idea to be involved, there's something about him that draws me that I can't put my finger on. It's this gut feeling I have, a warmth that doesn't make sense. I mean, there's no denying the physical attraction. That's the easy thing to figure out. He's a handsome man. It's just this other thing, this feeling I can't seem to explain in words. But I feel it when I'm with him. I feel it when he hesitates to say or do things, when he asks my permission for a kiss or a hug. I feel it when he holds me in his arms for periods of time and neither of us say a word. I feel it when he asks me "why?" all the time. I feel it when he leans into my touch. I felt it especially when he broke down crying in front of me and asked me not to give up on him. (Did I not write about that? It happened a day or so before Verdaa's exorcism so I must have forgotten to journal it.) It's like... It's almost like I want to protect him. Or help him. Or just be there for him. Or something. I really can't explain it.

Anyway, after the back-and-forth we kissed and he leaned his forehead against my own. With his eyes closed he said he's never taken the time to form a relationship before and that he wanted it to be my decision. My decision is probably obvious: I chose to be with him.

So it's official, more-or-less. We're "together."

I spent the night there, tucked comfortably against him. I slept well, but I'm not sure about him. He must have woken up in the middle of the night at least once, because when we woke up this morning he wasn't wearing his shirt anymore. (If I hadn't been so tired I probably would have noticed when that happened. I'll be glad once I am fully back to my normal strength.)

Breakfast was pleasant. His mother, Melodria, prepared it and she's a wonderful cook. Dani ate with us, too. He's very polite and quite excited about his training with the Light. Luthor says he adores me, too, which I'm glad to hear. Children warm my heart.

After we ate Luthor and I went back to the great room and he just wanted to hold me. So I let him. I'm not sure how long we stayed like that, an hour or so, but eventually he had to go start Dani's training for the day. So that's what he's doing now, and I'm sitting alone here in the library with my thoughts.

It's times like these where I wish I had someone to confide in. It makes me miss Olantunji, despite the situation with Haldrat that distanced us a bit. And Kass. I miss Kass like no other, she was my best friend. But I haven't seen or heard from her in several years. Minna is not reliable to confide in, as I've learned. Plus she and I don't really see eye-to-eye. And I'm not really close to anyone in the guild yet. Vaier is probably the closest thing I have to a friend in Vindicated at the moment, as I've talked with him the most. Everyone else is still at acquaintance-level. I should maybe work on that.

Third of May, Year 38

I've never been so mad in my life. In fact, I don't think I've ever raised my voice to anyone before. But today, today I did with Minna. She overstepped the line and I just... I didn't lose it, but I was upset and I let her know it.

I went by Luthor's this afternoon to return some books to his library (I feel bad keeping them too long) and though he seemed pleased to see me he said we had to talk. He told me Minna had been there just an hour or so prior and threatened him. Told him that if he hurt me, she would make sure he regretted it. Can you believe that? I was shocked. And while I appreciate her gesture of protection, I wasn't in the least bit pleased with her methods.

I gave myself a bit of a headache rambling in Luthor's presence, which is a little embarrassing now that I reflect on it. I hope he doesn't think less of me for that. He did say he understood why Minna would worry about me and he promised—swore on everything that is holy, even—that he would never harm me intentionally, in any way. And I believe him, wholeheartedly.

After I left the Ravenglory manor, I decided to find Minna. She's not difficult to find, as I know her usual haunt is Cantrip & Crows and it's not far from where I stay at the Legerdemain. Sure enough, she was there. I confronted her about what she did. I told her I didn't understand why she would do such a thing, that she had no right to threaten Luthor on my behalf and that it's not right to judge a person based solely on their past and/or their current means. I reminded her that she should know better on the latter, having done the same to me when I was dating Aremar.

She didn't apologize, and frankly I didn't expect her to, but she did finally give in to my reasoning with a curt "Fine, okay. I get it." But then she had the audacity to say that I should figure out what I am to him (girlfriend or otherwise?) before I get upset with her. I mean, really? At that, I made myself leave the bar before I could get upset again. I just don't understand why she says things like that.

To cool off I went to the guild hall to get some reading time in. This turned out to be a bad idea, as Verdaa walked—or should I say stumbled—in not too long after I had settled into a chair with my book. He was coughing, a loud hacking cough, so that he could barely speak. He should not have been there, he should have still been in bed at the Dalaran infirmary and getting much-needed rest.

What happened after I told him that only proved me right. He ended up collapsing, after yelling and cursing at me, and going into a seizure. I don't think he realizes how lucky he was that I was there, because no one else was really around except an exceedingly shy mage who's name I didn't even catch. I wedged a towel into his mouth to keep him from hurting his teeth or biting his tongue and did my best to still his convulsions but there wasn't too much I could offer. I'm still quite drained of healing magic from the exorcism and I'm not sure how long it will take me to regain my full strength.

It took a few minutes but eventually the convulsions stopped and I was able, with much effort and some pain suppression magic, to prop him up against a wall. An orc woman walked into the guild hall around that time, Salotte, and was able to fetch me both a bowl of water and pillows. Verdaa wasn't pleased when he realized what had happened, but I was at least able to get him to drink the water.

Through another bought of cursing I determined that the new paladin in our guild—or "that fucking blood knight" as Verdaa referred to him—had assisted him in some way getting out of the infirmary. Something about a promise of being able to get Verdaa to full health and walking again.

Velice and I both told Verdaa that too much of the Light's healing powers would not be a good idea, especially since he's a warlock. Light being the opposite of Shadow, it could do more damage than good in cases like this. He just needed bed rest so he could regain his strength and eventually his power, but Verdaa is just too impatient.

After a while I convinced Salotte to assist me in helping Verdaa back to the infirmary. We balanced him between us, me on the right and she on his left, and with the help of a levitation spell we were able to escort him back the infirmary. Once there, we got him into the bed and I put the IV in. When he refused to sleep, I gave him a sedative.

I've only just gotten back to the Legerdemain a few minutes ago, and I feel almost equally as exhausted from today's events as I did after the exorcism. That can't be good. I need to rest and relax, myself.

Second of May, Year 38

It's been another of those weeks. Ever since I've joined Vindicated so much happens and all at once. It's a wonder I can keep up with it all, though barely.

Last night I performed the first exorcism of my healing career. It's an act I never thought I'd have to do, and I certainly don't plan to make a habit of it, but desperate times call for desperate measures. One of the warlocks of Vindicated has been imprisoned in the Violet Hold for some time now, I'm not sure exactly how long. He'd been possessed by an old god and was a danger to everyone around him until a time when the guild could figure out how to help him. Tam had done extensive research on it and came up with a plan. I had no idea any of this was going on until recently, when I met Daxalor in the guild hall earlier that week. (He's a grumpy old mage, but a friend of the warlock, Verdaa.)

Tam paged me on the communicator. At the time I was in Luthor's music studio, having just met Tycho Delain—a rogue who has been charged by Tam as Luthor's "warden," which more-or-less means someone to keep an eye on him—and I was just getting over the initial shock of seeing a leather-clad woman atop his piano. The sound of my name coming from my belt disrupted my train of thought, though, and I answered. I was to go to Violet Hold. I left Luthor with his piano, for he seemed in a much better mood than the day before, and they summoned me there.

Before me was a cell that had been obviously locked in numerous ways, both physical locks and magical wards to prevent it from being broken out of. The warlock behind it was covered in blood from torturing himself and was speaking sometimes in a demonic-sounding language I didn't understand. It was a gruesome sight to behold; I'd never seen anything like it. When Tam told me he needed me to perform an exorcism, I was stunned. I've only read about drawing unwanted spirits out of the body, and only a little. I never tried to study it extensively as I have other arts of healing.

Admittedly, I was afraid to attempt something I not only never tried before but knew very little about. I was afraid it wouldn't would work, that I wouldn't be powerful enough. But it did work. With Saha'sharath's help, we used a combination of the Light and his shadow magic underlying it to draw the old god forward to our plane, then Tam had another warlock of the guild trap his spirit in a soulstone. The soulstone went into a box and we reused the several types of locks and wards against it so that it would never be opened again. I even blessed it, as Tam had asked me to, three times.

The box is to be hidden away in Light's Hope, which I believe is a good plan. The Light is strong there, it's hallowed ground, and the crypt below the church is a good hiding place for this sort of thing. I pray we will never have to do such a thing again.

Afterwards we brought Verdaa to the infirmary. I met Tam's sister, Vel, and I assisted her in cleaning Verdaa up and healing his injuries. By the end of the night I was exhausted, my power drained from all the earlier effort so I went home to the Legerdemain instead of trying to make my way back to Silvermoon so late at night. I still feel tired and drained, even after a night of rest.

Speaking of Silvermoon, Luthor has given me a key to the Ravenglory Manor. I wasn't sure I should accept it as our relationship is still young and not "official" by any means, but I thought it was a show of trust and figured that it would be a good idea for me to have it, just in case. Besides, I now have unencumbered access to the library there.

In other news I've met quite a few more guildmates: Vaier, Alazek, Kael, Noix, Daxalor who I mentioned earlier, Silorna... and that's just to name a few. I don't think I'll have much time to write of each of them but there is certainly an eclectic group of people in Vindicated. I like the variety, it makes life a little more interesting. Besides the differences, too, everyone cares for eachother. It is exactly the type of group I had hoped to find when I joined up.

Year 38, April 25, Early Afternoon

I am happy, Journal. Happier than I have been in possibly years. To explain why, I must explain what happened yesterday. It was quite a long day, and probably the most eventful for me in a long while.

It all started with a letter. I received it in the morning, an invitation from Luthor to visit him at his estate later that evening. The letter was vague, so I had no idea what the occasion was. Nevertheless, I decided to go.

Before heading there though, as it was still early in the day, I took the long way around to get some fish from Booty Bay which I have been craving recently. I was on the dock waiting for the fisherman I usually buy from when I overheard a conversation... and the only reason this happened is because I heard "Ravenglory" mentioned and my ears twitched, so I eavesdropped a bit. (I promise you I don't purposefully make a habit of overhearing things, it just seems to happen.) It was a blonde Sin'dorei woman talking to a youngish-looking troll. She was instructing him to scout out Ravenglory Manor and check up on "the child." I was sure she meant Dani, Luthor's nephew who is currently in his care. Since I'd never seen or heard of this woman before, I didn't understand the context. Why did she care?

When the troll took off, the coin purse she had handed him jangling on his belt, I approached her. It was awkward, but I felt compelled to ask why she had hired the troll so I did. As it turned out, the woman (who's name I never asked for but Luthor later confirmed it was Kakela) is one of Dani's adoptive parents. She and her ex-partner had adopted him, but then her partner took off. That's the gist I got of it, anyway. Since Kala is a busy woman and she has no understanding of the healing magic that Dani has a talent with, he's been entrusted to Luthor's care. However, with Luthor's past... Kala doesn't trust him, obviously. She even asked me if I knew he had damaged a man's eye in a fit of jealous rage. I nodded, yes, this was one of the things he had told me of his past. (I know quite a bit of everything, it seems.) I reassured her that I was a friend of his and that he is a different man now. She just shook her head and said she didn't know him personally, but as she walked away from me she muttered under her breath: "maybe he won't hurt you."

I realized I should tell Luthor about the troll who was surely way ahead of me by then. I got on my drake and willed her to fly as fast as she could go. I had hoped the troll was traveling on foot or by land mount and not by some other, faster means like mage portals.

It was evening by the time I had arrived at the Ravenglory Manor. Dani actually answered the door, which at first confused me. I had wrongly assumed he might be a servant, which had made me feel uneasy. (That and the size of the place... it reminded me of the Highwing's. And the Highwings did have young servants, come to think of it.) When Luthor appeared in the door behind the boy, though, and addressed him as "Dani" I was relieved. He invited me in and sent Dani to bed. When the boy was out of sight, Luthor said he had something to give me and lead me down a hallway.

We passed many doors, one of which was open and a woman, his mother, was seated inside the room and gazing out a window. She looked very much in a grieving state, her husband so recently lost to her. Luthor told me she hasn't spoken since his death. I told him it would just take time for her to come to peace with it.

Farther down the hall, he threw open some large double doors and lead me into a giant room... It was a library, Journal. One of the grandest I had ever seen in my life, let alone in someone's home! My mother's small book collection paled considerably in comparison. I got distracted by all the books for a few moments, going straight to a shelf and scanning the titles, pulling the ones that interested me and setting them in a stack in the crook of my arm. (Light help me, I have a such a thing with books. Thank you, mother.) Luthor poured me some wine while I browsed. I think he was amused at how excited I was about the place. But when he handed me the wine and asked if I had always stacked books in my arms like that, I realized I still had yet to tell him about the troll. "I need to tell you something."

He listened intently as I recounted what I had overheard at Booty Bay earlier that day, and as soon as I finished we heard knock on the wall and a voice in the hallway: "I'm that troll." It was muffled through the door, but still loud enough to be heard and in a distinct Trollish accent. Luthor whipped around and headed out the library doors and I followed him. Sure enough, the same troll I saw earlier in the day was standing there before us, actually waving. "Heya," he greeted us.

I confirmed for Luthor that it was the same troll I had seen earlier, and the troll asked about Dani's care. We found out he came into the manor through an unlocked window. Luthor was kind enough to not press charges if the troll left the premises by the time he counted down to zero from ten, and the troll did leave but not before insisting Luthor stock up on oatmeal. (What a strange troll.) All in all, it wasn't as bad a situation as I had assumed it might be. No real harm done, which is such a relief.

After that we went back into the library. We spoke briefly about Kakela, he asking me if she had said anything else. I told him only that she had mentioned what he had done to Tam, and his expression fell. He said he wanted to disappear. I had to remind him that he is not his past. If that were true of anyone, no one would have the capacity to change or grow. Also, I told him I didn't want him to disappear... that I saw change in him despite what he has told me and that I liked him. He hugged me after I said all that. The embrace lasted a few moments, and I felt very comfortable in it.

Afterwards, Luthor brought in some food to snack on and I made myself comfy in a large chair to start reading. Luthor had some work to finish, so we sat quietly for a while. Dani came into the library after a short time, but Luthor put him back to bed immediately. He is such an adorable child, and I couldn't help but think how lucky he is to have been adopted at so young an age and to have people who care about him (even if those people send strange trolls to check up on him). I remember how it was to not have anyone to care for me. We talked briefly about Dani, how he adores Tamrelyn but that Saha'sharath doesn't want children. Saha just doesn't have the patience, and Light knows that is a requirement when raising a child. Luthor looked worn out taking care of Dani by himself, so I offered to help if he needed it. I think he might take me up on that in the future.

When Luthor returned to his work I kept glancing up from my book to watch him. After a while my curiosity got the best of me and I asked him what he was working on. When he said it was his will, I got concerned as that's not something most people worry about until they are many years his senior. But he insists he has enemies and that his brother would not have the foresight to put together a will. Anything could happen, he said, and because there is no current heir to their estate he has to figure out where everything should go.

Noble inheritance lines were never something I fully understood. Aremar was of the Highwing family, which had a very high status in Silvermoon's society and I know that they were not pleased in the least when we had started dating. I am not of any notable lineage, my upbringing was modest at best and then exceedingly poor at worst. They, especially Minnaloushe ((his older sister)), were of the opinion that I wasn't worthy of him and didn't deserve the ability to take the Highwing name as my own through marriage. But I don't know if they would have cut any children we would have had off from an inheritance, would they? Would my unworthy blood have rendered my children also equally unworthy? I'll never know.

But I won't dwell on that. Luthor explained that an heir for the Ravenglory estate would have to be a child of the bloodline. So no adopted children, no significant others. But since I had mentioned Aremar and his family, we got to talking about it. He recognized the Highwing name, even though that line is long gone now. (Minna is the only remaining member of the family.) I told him how he and Minna had died, how they were risen by the Lich King, how Minna escaped the mind control and sought me out... and how Aremar chose not to. I showed Luthor the locket that Haldrat had retrieved off Aremar in their scuffle. I realized I don't know why I continue to wear it, I guess it has just become habit and when I don't wear it I feel something is missing.

Luthor said it's nice to have things to hold on to, and this is true to an extent—I hold onto my mother's books for much the same reason. It's a way to make a memory more tangible. But there's a certain line where if you hold onto the past too much it holds us back in the present, and in turn the future. We're supposed to learn from history so that we don't blindly repeat it, not cling to it.

Either way, I was glad to have talked to him about it. The last person I told was... Andalar? I'm not sure I remember what all I had told him, it was so long ago. It doesn't matter though, the point is that it's been a long time since I've mentioned Aremar at all to another person.

It was at this moment, after he handed me the locket back, that he complimented me and told me I am beautiful. I think I blushed. No, I'm sure I blushed. I remember my cheeks getting hot. He even stated that he wasn't up to his "old tricks," after I thanked him for the compliment. And then he asked if he could kiss me.

It was the most tender kiss you could think of. Soft, sweet, and utterly gentle. I was almost surprised of it, actually, because for whatever reason I expected him to be a bit more... forceful? I'm not sure that's the right word. He said it was "nice," and when I pressed for him to elaborate he said he was used to kisses being "more heated." It was obvious he was being hesitant. "I can't explain it to you," he said, "why I'm being so careful."

"Are you afraid of hurting me?" I asked. He was. When I told him that I trusted he wouldn't, he said I trust blindly. Journal, we know this isn't the case. I have written before that I have trust issues with men. I've been betrayed, cheated on, ignored, forgotten. The list goes on, and it's not a pretty list. But as I wrote the other day, he has been so open with me—sharing his deepest, darkest secrets and trusting me so with them. I feel I can trust him in return, and perhaps even be just as open. Which is why I didn't hesitate too much to tell him of Aremar. With all this considered, I think I have proven I am quite resilient. So I told him that. It took a bit of convincing him. I explained my reasoning, and eventually he gave into it. "Women and your logic," I think he said.

He kissed me again, this time more confidently. I was glad to have stilled his fears, at least for that moment, and the kiss was lovely. I felt a warmth radiating from within me as he gently pulled me into his lap. He caressed my face, my neck and touched my hair. I told him how long it's been since I was that close to someone... and how wonderful it was. I thanked him, even, for making me feel so happy in that moment.

We embraced and I cuddled up against his chest after that. It was really warm and comfortable to be in his arms. I didn't want the moment to end.

I ended up staying the night in his bed. (No, journal, it wasn't like that. Thank the Light, I couldn't possibly go that fast.) I just fell asleep in his arms and I enjoyed the best night of rest I've had since before the Third War.

In the morning I woke up with a smile and in good spirits. I had breakfast with Luthor and Dani, and I think Dani is warming to me. He had a hard time saying my name though, but I told him he could just call me "Lil" as everyone else does. Such a sweet boy. Breakfast was pleasant and filling.

I left to head back to Dalaran shortly after, and here I am at my usual table in the Legerdemain writing it all down. I don't want to forget them, these kinds of moments, the days where I am feeling so happy. They don't happen often, so I intend to hold onto this as long as possible.

I don't have much planned for the rest of today. I'll run a few errands before lunch, and then after maybe read for a bit. I have a book I borrowed from the Violet Citadel's collection that I've yet to finish. I should read that and then return it later.

Year 38, April 24

A lot has happened the past few nights, I can scarcely believe it. I hope I can recount it all here accurately.

A few nights ago I got reacquainted with a man I once knew when I was much younger and still an acolyte. His name is Luthorialan Ravenglory, the surname of which is fitting for him as he has long, glossy dark hair much like a raven's feathers (that I assume runs in his family). I knew him from the academy where I had studied a bit, he was one of the teachers if I recall correctly. I'd forgotten about him, honestly, as we didn't interact much except for once when I was rather drunk. I didn't even recognize him when I saw him again.

I was picking up a book about healing properties of plants from the Herbalist in Silvermoon that evening. It was early yet and I didn't feel like making the long way back to Dalaran to read in the Legerdemain, where I usually spread books across the table and engross myself (as I am as I write this) so I decided to find a bench near the Spire to read instead and just relax. Every bench was occupied, though, except for one that only had one person sitting on it. I asked the man there if he minded if I sit in the space next to him, interrupting him from his deep thoughts. He didn't mind, it seemed, after he realized I was standing over him, and we got to talking a bit. I still hadn't recognized him.

After a short bit of time, we were interrupted by an auburn-haired woman, I think her name was Carinthia but I am not certain. She was someone the man recognized, and they got into a bit of an argument. They had a heated exchange, words about things I probably didn't need to overhear about anyone, let alone someone I scarcely know. I tried to keep my eyes trained on my book, but I stole glances at the two of them every so often over the course of their altercation. I won't write the details of that here, as I don't think it's too important, but I realized I recognized some of the names mentioned: Saha'sharath and Tamrelyn in particular, whom I had met earlier this month. It made me a little uneasy watching the two converse... she even attempted to kiss him after and he pushed her away.

Needless to say, after she finally left he wasn't in a good mood. He apologized to me for baring witness, and asked if we could start over. That's when he finally introduced himself officially as Luthorialan, and I recognized his name. Sometimes I forget how small the world is, until moments like this.

The academy used to hold social events for the students and such, and I attended a few of them just so that I wasn't always alone (as being so into my studies had that unfortunate side affect). At one of them, I was having a bad day and therefore drank much more wine than I had intended to. I was pretty drunk, and Luthor, being the man he was at the time, hit on me and tried to convince me to go back to his room with him. I knew better, even on all that wine, and turned him down. Apparently I was the only one to do this. (Yes, I was a bit of a prude at that age but I don't regret it. I'm not that prudish now, though I have still only laid with one man and that was Aremar.)

Luthor seemed relieved to remember I had turned him down that night. As it turns out, he's a changed man. Or at least making a very conscious effort to be changed. I admire that kind of resilience in people: when they realize how they have been in the past and instead of allowing it to continue or to self-pity they actually put forth the goal to be a better person. It helps strengthen my hope in our ability to adapt and promote good in our world.

The next day I ran into him again, ironically. Almost as if fate was aligning our paths together, if you believe in that sort of thing. I had gone to Light's Hope Chapel to pick up yet another book (I have this thing for books, you see, especially ones related to healing in any form). This time a rather old volume about the virtues of the Light that I find so many followers of the philosophy forget about, especially the last and most important one: Compassion.

Anyway, he was in the cemetery. I was walking through, studying the gravestones and reciting small blessings as I passed. I found him under a tree in the very back, situated near the gravestones of his late fiancé and father, lost in his thoughts as he had been the day before on the bench in Silvermoon. I was able to walk right up to him without him noticing me yet. I had to tap him on the shoulder with my book to get his attention.

We spent a good while talking, seated on the grass with our backs rested against the trunk of the tree. I blessed Aca's grave for him, it was the best gesture I could offer for someone who is grieving as he is. I didn't move to bless his father's grave because of the way he was staring at it, so pointedly. So that is what we talked about, his father. Who he was as a person and about how he died. I promised not to not relay any information on the latter to anyone, so I won't even write it here. All I will say is that even though he felt his father's death was well deserved, he didn't do it.

After all that we talked a bit about my past, my parents. I told him I was an orphan and I could see the touch of pity in his eyes upon hearing it. I told him about working with the tailor and the jeweler to make money for food, I told him what I can remember of my mother and that I still have all the books from her library. I didn't share much else. In retrospect, he shared a lot more about himself with me than I did of myself with him. I think I must have a trusting face or something, because this he is not the first person I barely know to share with me some of his darkest secrets. But I am happy to listen to anyone who needs an ear.

We got onto the topic of having worthwhile things to do, somehow. I think it was because we were talking about how I still make clothing and jewelry, that the skills I learned in my youth had come in handy and paid off over the years. He mentioned he plays violin, and when I asked if I could ever hear him play he said it would cost me a date.

I was taken aback by this, as I wasn't expecting it at all. I haven't been on a date since... well, since I dated Haldrat. It has been years. Even though I have been interested in other men between Haldrat and now, I never dated any of them. I still have all the fears I have written in the past about men and those who get close to me. How they hurt me, or get hurt themselves, or simply disappear. I know I do not have a good track record when it comes to relationships.

My reaction to his asking me must have seemed like I wasn't interested. He said that if I didn't want to, I could just say so. But here's the thing, I did want to go. I just though it might be too soon for him, as his fiancé has only been gone a few months. I didn't think it was enough time to morn. It took me years to get over Aremar, though I admit I never fully got closure with him until Haldrat came along. So perhaps Luthor is simply trying to speed up his mourning process.

Either way, it doesn't matter. I agreed to go do dinner with him.

We met last night for dinner in Silvermoon. The food was delicious, and we ate to our fill. Afterwards, at Luthor's suggestion since he offered me his arm, we took a stroll through Eversong Woods to the shore of the Isle north of the city. When we arrived at the shore, he instructed me to take a seat as he pulled his violin out of his magicked bag.

Again, I wasn't expecting this. I was delighted at the sight of the violin, though. No one has ever played an instrument for me, let alone the small concert he performed just for me. A few of the songs were jaunty, one sad, all equally beautiful and potent. The music alone entranced me, but the way he closed his eyes as he played and tapped his foot along to keep the pace was most charming. And the way he smiled... he looked so happy. I'd never seen him so happy, and it made me warm inside to see him so.

By the time his performance ended, it was late. He took a hold of my hand and kissed my knuckles, thanking me for the evening. Truly I have never had a night quite like that, but he insisted on thanking me and that it did more for him than me. We stood there, he still holding my hand, gazing at the moon for a bit before parting ways.

Though he didn't move to kiss me, as I thought he might, the evening all-in-all was quite romantic. I like him, Journal. I hope I am not stupid to do so, but only time will tell.

Year 38, Early April

I met two new guildmates a few nights ago, fellow Sin'dorei. Saha'sharath and Tamrelyn, I recognized their faces at the Legerdemain (I have seen them around the Guild Hall before) but hadn't learned their names yet or been properly introduced. I was staring at them, trying to remember where I had seen them at first, but they called me over. I was kind of embarassed they caught me staring, but no matter.

The blonde one, Saha'sharath, finally showed me how to use that damned communicator thing. It's actually easier than I thought, which is good. I've been trying to make a habit out of carrying it around now, attached to my belt.

It turns out the two of them are partners, and engaged at that. They seem to be very sweet towards each other, and they make quite an attractive couple. I learned a little about how they met, but not too much else. All in all, it was good conversation. I am glad to be meeting new people, finally, and actually conversing. It's a nice change of pace from the constant work work work ethic I've grown accustomed to over the past year.

Year 39, End of March

I haven't written in years. It has been too long. I have just rediscovered this book, somehow it had found it's way under my bed and became buried under blankets of dust. I lament that I forgot the existence of you, Journal, and I aim to keep up with writing this time. Hopefully, anyway.

Much has changed since I last touched ink to these pages, I cannot even begin to relay them all to you. The world has sundered, and I am not referring to the old, Great Sundering that shaped our world many thousands of years ago. An old, yet new terror flies in our skies, and he goes by the name of Deathwing the Destroyer. He has caused what people are calling the Second Sundering. If you are curious for the details (for surely someone will read this someday), I'm sure it's documented in history books in the many libraries of the land.

I have spent the past year wondering what my purpose is now in this literally shattered world—torn apart not just by war, but by aspects beyond our mortal coil. It just seems to get worse again after it gets better. The reopening of the Dark Portal, the Lich King... and then this. Will it ever cease?

I used to have faith that maybe, with perseverance, we the people of Azeroth could overcome. But that faith is faltering as I watch all the suffering around me. What if, no matter how hard we try, nothing changes? If more terrors continue to plague the world? Do we die fighting?

My parents would say yes. You die fighting. It's the only honorable thing to do. To prove that even though you have been defeated, you never gave in. And in that way, they don't have a complete victory. I lean towards this philosophy, for you may fight without ever winning but you can never, ever win without a fight. So we fight, I fight.

I decided recently I couldn't continue working on my own. Though as a healer-for-hire it's fairly easy to find work and to help but I didn't want to freelance anymore. I am still without friends, I haven't let anyone get close to me in a long, long while. It's getting lonely, so while my work is fulfilling I still have an empty void in my heart that needs filling. I need people to keep me going, to give me the reason to fight.

So I joined a new guild last week. I was given optional refuge in their guild hall, work to do and a communicator device that I have yet to figure out. The guild hall is nice. It has several rooms, even a kitchen.

In fact, I ran into the sick paladin I've been hearing about in the kitchen the other night. Risari, her name is. She's older, probably twice my age at least, and spoke of a son who betrayed her by siding with Kael'thas. And that she has fought every day since the Second War. It struck me that she might have known my parents, for they too fought in that war.

The battling has taken an immeasurable toll on Risari, I could see it in not only her physical weakness but the flashes of extreme sadness and great anger in her eyes, in the tears that tracked down her cheeks. I don't know how I didn't cry as well, I could feel the tears welling in my eyes as we spoke of those we had lost. I could identify with her so well, I even understood the betrayal she felt from her son for I had a similar situation with Aremar.

She has walls around her, thick as can be. I was unsuccessful in breaking through them, as I assume others are in trying to break down my own such emotional fortress.

In our conversation, she asked me a question which puzzled me: "How can you stop the Light?" It's power, one I am so familiar with in my healing, seemed to be burning her from the inside. It's the most curious thing, I have never seen the Light behave like that. I had no real answer for her predicament, so I simply suggested praying. She was aghast—"like a human?"—and though I was fairly close convincing her it wouldn't hurt to try, she ultimately refused.

I realized I haven't prayed in some time, or really much at all. I have always, as a Priestess of the Light, upheld the philosophy of the Light and It's virtues which I believe I have done mostly successfully. The virtues mention nothing of prayer, however. The few times I've knelt and prayed has been the few times I had felt the absolute, total loss of all hope. When it has been sucked out of me with such force that I could think of nothing else that was within my option but to plea with the force that has so gifted me. In a way, it was a surrender—an admission that I could do nothing without help.

Maybe that is something we all need to realize: no one in this world can effect any change without the help of others, faith, and perhaps some luck as well.

Hey everyone! For those who don't know yet, I'm back playing World of Warcraft after a good year long, 3 month break. I'm still on Wyrmrest Accord, and Lilitharien is still my main. Additionally, I've just joined an RP guild, ! I am excited to get back into role-playing and return to updating this journal with all of Lil's adventures.

Stay tuned!

Hey all—I know it's been a while since you've heard from me! A few months ago I completed a huge move across the country (New York to San Francisco!) which rendered my WoW time to 0, since I had no access to reliable internet for a while.

Last month I transferred Lilitharien (I know, yet again) to Wyrmrest Accord, another RP realm but on Pacific Standard Time, so that I could raid again (I joined Instinct) and now I'm looking to get back into roleplaying. If any of you have characters over there or know anyone, I'd love to hear from you. I made an account on the server's RP community forums, so hopefully I'll get to know people that way.

I'll always view TB as my first home and I love the people/community there. Currently I'm leveling my druid alt, Oxtavia, there so I can keep a foot on the server. Feel free to add me to your friends lists or look for me in the TBDF global channel (horde-side, obviously!) which I always join upon sign-in.

Anyway, this is just an update to let you guys know what I'm up to and that I haven't disappeared. Once I'm up and RPing again actively, this journal will return to being as frequently-updated as I can manage.

End of January, Year 34

It has been almost a year since I have started this journal, and yet I have written so little. It has become apparent to me recently how precious and limited my life and time here is on Azeroth, and what mark have I left to prove my existence was worth something? I'm not sure, yet, if I have at all.

I don't know where to begin to explain what has happened to me the past 9 months. The first few were blissful. I met a wonderful man, a hunter by the name of Landrari. And I was falling in love with him, and he with I. I thought for once I had found someone who I could rely on, open up to. Things were going well.

That is, until I disappeared.

You see, I'm told, I fell off my drake while en route to a mission in Ulduar and I fell from a very high distance... The healers in the infirmary here in Dalaran said it was a miracle I lived. My own foresight to shield myself while falling, apparently, was enough cushion to keep me from dying. (What I can't think of is why I didn't just slow my fall? I must have been falling too fast to react. I don't remember anything.)

But I've been in a coma for over 6 months, as a result.

I woke up here, a few days ago. The nurse was rather surprised to see my eyes open, and I think I startled her when I tried to talk.

I felt very weak... my muscles had degenerated quite a bit with their nonuse. My throat was sore, my hair ragged, my skin scarily pale, and it took all my energy just to sit up in bed.

With the help of some magic I've been able to regain back some of my power, and I can walk around now, albeit slowly. I still look pale.

And it has come to my attention that everyone I've known in life had feared me dead. Even Landrari. I haven't seen him yet—I'm not even sure he knows I'm awake at all—but I've heard that he has gone back to the woman he was dating before.

The only familiar face I've seen is Minnaloushe's. She's been visiting weekly since I fell, tending to my affairs and my holdings in my stead. I am glad of her, but she didn't tell anyone I had lived through the fall. I guess she feared I would pass later, and didn't want to give anyone a false hope. I'm not really sure.

I've asked her to let everyone know I'm awake, now. She assures me she has, but I have had no visitors yet as proof that she did. That worries me, a little. Either all have forgotten about me, don't care, or just Minna is being negligent in carrying out the simple favor I have asked of her.

((OOC-wise, I have returned to the Thorium Brotherhood server after a 6-month stint raiding on Scarlet Crusade. Feel free to re-add me to your friends lists and say hi!))